Math: A Biography

I have a friend, her name is Pepper Lowell, this is a picture of her

Pepper writes for a blog called The Denver Omelette with three other young, spunky girls from in Denver.  She has recently informed me that she had to write a two page biography about math (and as we all know math is evil).  She had mentioned that she wanted me to write the biography and I felt, especially as a history major constantly striving for the truth, I needed to tell the true story about math, exposing it for what it really is.  So here you go Pepper, go ahead and slap your name on it, turn it in, and I guarantee  your teacher will read a biography she'll never forget!

Math: A Biography

Over 65 million years ago dinosaurs ruled the Earth.  They enjoyed a Golden Age of peace, culture and fancy soirees. 

They were all very happy until one day someone decided to play god, namely God, and that’s when everything went awry.  God was testing out his new invention, the trebuchet; the most mathematically complex siege weapon ever conceived and used it to hurl a large boulder at Earth killing all the dinosaurs.  That’s right, math killed the dinosaurs.

Millions of years later people began to dot the Earth as civilizations formed and math once again reared its ugly head.  It separated the nerds, scientists, geniuses, and super models, from the lower life forms of the world; barbarians, slobs, blue-collar workers, and crack heads fanning the flames of inequality.

These people lashed out against their superiors in acts of rage and frustration.  The Carthaginians were jealous of Rome’s superior mathematical knowledge and marched through Italy to destroy them.  The French were upset by Louis’ and Marie Antoinette’s amazing ability to do fractions and invented the guillotine to prove they could cut things into fractions too, and I’m fairly certain math is somehow directly related to the Holocaust.

Essentially math has given a lot of people bad names and is responsible for a lot of bad things.  It has created an unholy alliance between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs given them a strangle hold on the computer industry, strengthened the bond between Quest and Comcast allowing them to dominate the cable industry, and of course Wal-Mart sold its soul to the devil in the form of a horribly complex calculus equation.

Pictured: An Unholy Equation

Perhaps I am being unfair towards math since it has also done some good for the world.  

Doctors are now able to help cure of lots of different diseases thanks to math.

It has helped establish a free market where we all have an opportunity to live the American Dream.

Engineers studied long and hard in the field of math to be able to construct roads, bridges, and lavish buildings, thus creating the fabulous society we live in today.

And let’s not forget the hard working math teachers that helped make all this possible.

Math has been around forever, it’s done some good (mostly bad) and whether we like it or not I don’t think anyone has found a way to destroy it yet.  My advice is to beat up a nerd if you get the chance and make them be your friend, or else they may be your boss one day and no one wants that.

Guaranteed  at least a C or your money back!